A Journey into the Mind of a Hot Mess and Healing

Have you been there? Being your worst critic? Cutting yourself with words and more? Just having no self-worth? Yeah, I hear ya. I have been utterly horrible to myself. And the past few months have been just terrible…another level almost. I’ve felt like a horrible friend, person, teacher (don’t get me started on how I’ve failed my students this year), daughter, sister, aunt. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotion and I know I am broken. I’ve tried to hide how broken I feel, but I think it probably shows a little more each day, especially to those I love and care about. Justin Bieber (yeah, can’t believe I’m quoting him either, but his latest album is fire and made me a Belieber) has a new album with a song called “Unstable” on it. It sums it up my mental state at times pretty well. I encourage you to listen to the song, well, the whole album really. You’ll thank me (unless if you just hate quality music).

So, the first step for this Hot Mess to heal is to recognize some of the areas I need help in and to change. The first? Body Image.

Let the Wellness Journey Begin

All of my life, I could be described as fluffy…some of you may know it as fat. Or chubby. A lot of my pictures were taken from the chest up…. Another trick? Make my boobs look perky and bigger so as to distract from the fluffiness everywhere else. Or better yet? Feet. When in doubt, take a picture of your feet and pop it up on your Insta feed. I would blame many things on my fluffy body…no man is interested in me because I was fat. I was ugly because I was fat. I could try to dress cute but no one will notice because I was fat. You get the point. Negative self-talk + excuses. Sure, I had lost weight when I was training to climb Kilimanjaro but just ballooned up when I got back became sick. Maybe I’d lose 10 pounds here and there, but they always came back…with friends (lovely of them). 

Last year, the world was basically shut down thanks to Covid. Where I currently live, we were sent to work from home, conducting class online. I was by myself…a lot, and I don’t particularly like myself sometimes so I needed an outlet. I decided to start working out from the comfort of my spacious living room. In my extensive five minute search for a workout platform I could do from home, I came across Les Mills On Demand. I perused the site and fell in love! They had a whole slew of options! And, I remembered enjoying some of it back in the mid-2000’s when I was a temporary member of a gym that had LM classes. I signed up immediately and haven’t looked back since! Probably the best money I’ve ever spent. 

The instructors became my best friends (Rach, Dan, Marlon, Reagan, and more). I became the cheesy person I always laughed at–quoting motivational phrases to myself and even posting them up on my bookshelves). Instead of eating my feelings or stress or anxiety, I found myself pushing the play option on a BodyCombat. I even asked for a SmartBar weight set for my 40th birthday (thanks, Mum!) so I could add BodyPump to the list. 

The funny thing about this picture that I just noticed? There’s a Reebok bag in the back from when I bought my workout shoes and new LesMills shirt. If you walked into my apartment right now, there’s a Reebok bag there again because I had to buy pants that fit to workout in! Lol!

I lost some weight and was feeling pretty good. And my mum kept saying how proud she was of me (my fuel is hearing when someone is proud of me, especially if it is someone important to me). But I knew I needed a little more help. I had an unhealthy relationship with food and in order to make a change, I knew I needed to work on that relationship. Someone in the LMOD Facebook group mentioned macros. What the heck was that? So, I joined an amazing community on Facebook that was super supportive and began to focus eating based on a good calorie and protein goal. I lost a little more.

Not Sports Illustrated SwimSuit Issue ready, but this was a big moment!

Seven weeks ago, I knew that I needed more structure and support. Let’s face it, when left to my own devices…yikes sometimes! So, I made a decision to hire a nutritional/fitness coach. It has been a journey with him! He is constantly reminding me to eat more protein or eat more vegetables…helping me when I struggle with inputting a nutritional label incorrectly and checking it for me…supporting and pushing me along the way.

A Year Later

Fast forward from last year to this year…1 year since originally signing up for LMOD to just keep me from going insane due to lockdown…I am down 35 pounds (15 kilos) since I started weighing myself again back in June (down about 40-42 pounds since when lockdown actually began). I still have a long way to go, but it is now about more than just a number on the scale. I’m making better food choices, I take the stairs to my third floor classroom at work, I’m working out with weights 4 times a week, I have more energy, I do feel stronger, and I have gone from hiding in a one piece swimsuit to actually wearing a two piece (look, I’m a sunshine sort of gal and fully embrace those roots!). Heck, I even meal prep every weekend so I can plan ahead with my eating. 

It is about the process…the progress…the journey. Yes, there’s a whole lot more to me than what I look like or my weight. I know this, but sometimes it just starts with one change.

What’s Next?

My next hurdles to try to take control of? Finances! Self-worth and self-esteem! Habits! Being a better person overall! And this wellness journey of fitness and nutrition is a constant hurdle so I’m sure I’ll give some updates on that as well. Heck, I probably should get a therapist. Soooooo much to work on. Stay tuned…

For Your Consideration:

What would YOU like to see me write about? The beauty of being a hot mess is that this blog can be morphed into whatever YOU, the reader and my few fabulous followers, want to read. Talk to me, folks!

Published by hclayton1980

I am an amateur writer, a writer who finds the process cathartic and relaxing. I love to travel and share my experiences. I don't write for anyone except for myself, but hope a few enjoy the story of my journeys :).

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